Change isnt all it's cracked up to be...

I just moved out of the first (and though I hope not only) place that really felt like me, my home. I am now doing something I thought I would never think or want to do, live with a roommate, a cat and not downtown.

I don't know what to say, my life has taken a change that not only did I not want, one I wasn't expecting to ever happen. I didn't forsee this happening...

There is a certain amount of hesitation to own my current life and direction. And though I don't know how this will all pan out, I do know that sometimes there are a low points and medium points, I am just hoping that life will offer me some high points soon. Maybe it's not in my cards, maybe it's just meant to be a middle of the road life...

YMMS!

The things (and people) that make me smile:
Smiling kids and happy babies
Overcome-ence
silly jokes
Christianne singing
David dancing around the room
Marks lame gay sex references (that tend to have to much truth to them)
Arguing with Tonya
Justin's eyes
sleeping in
Little Debbie oatmeal cakes
PJ's (thanks David)
Tequila
Pizza (suasage, xtra chez, and blue chez)

The faces of happiness

I sit here in an intersection of crossroads of sheer exhaustion, bliss and fear and lonliness. I hold my moments of me time very personal. But this recent desire to only have people in my life that I really connect with has left me with limited number of people I can just chill with.

I spent the evening at dinner last night and two nights before that with some really great friends and people I want to be really great friends. Time is fleeting and you look around and the next thing you know 20 years have passed. I don't know that I have 20yrs left, what I do know is I have a dream, a fantasy. I have had moments lately that I don't know how to own or let go. I get so wrapped up in this ideal of dealing with pain and dealing with loss, dealing becomes avoidance which begets non-dealing.

There are so many moments, in life, and I wonder if holding out for what's right is worth missing moments. What scares me now is the idea that having moments, I will never recapture and sharing them with people who just aren't in my longtern future is anyone beneficial. Sex is intimate and as Sam correctly states, messy, but can be detached. I want that afterglow after a conversation, after a walk or a cuddle on the couch or even during an argument. It's hard for me to be alone sometimes, but I think it's harder for me to with someone just for the sake of being with someone.

I feel a bit lost today, I think that's why I am writing this. I am on the verge of tears because finaly, after 40 years, I want to open up... there's just no one to listen.
When I stare at myself in the mirror (not as often as I use to), I see me. All my issues, concerns, baggage, insecurities and I like what I see. I just wish, I could share me...