The faces of happiness

I sit here in an intersection of crossroads of sheer exhaustion, bliss and fear and lonliness. I hold my moments of me time very personal. But this recent desire to only have people in my life that I really connect with has left me with limited number of people I can just chill with.

I spent the evening at dinner last night and two nights before that with some really great friends and people I want to be really great friends. Time is fleeting and you look around and the next thing you know 20 years have passed. I don't know that I have 20yrs left, what I do know is I have a dream, a fantasy. I have had moments lately that I don't know how to own or let go. I get so wrapped up in this ideal of dealing with pain and dealing with loss, dealing becomes avoidance which begets non-dealing.

There are so many moments, in life, and I wonder if holding out for what's right is worth missing moments. What scares me now is the idea that having moments, I will never recapture and sharing them with people who just aren't in my longtern future is anyone beneficial. Sex is intimate and as Sam correctly states, messy, but can be detached. I want that afterglow after a conversation, after a walk or a cuddle on the couch or even during an argument. It's hard for me to be alone sometimes, but I think it's harder for me to with someone just for the sake of being with someone.

I feel a bit lost today, I think that's why I am writing this. I am on the verge of tears because finaly, after 40 years, I want to open up... there's just no one to listen.
When I stare at myself in the mirror (not as often as I use to), I see me. All my issues, concerns, baggage, insecurities and I like what I see. I just wish, I could share me...